


Three Boys vs Christmas

by Tadpole4176



Series: Retirement Trouble [10]
Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Christmas, Fluff, Gen, Kidfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:13:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27960572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176
Summary: What if Top Gear just kept going… until someone thought he needed to retire? And what if Stig thought that was a bad idea?This is a Christmas story in the Retirement Trouble universe that comes in three parts – one for each of the boys. But then it didn’t, because it seemed better for the three parts to stick together. So instead it’s got three unusually distinct chapters and a slightly vague title :)Richard vs The Fairy LightsJez vs The Old Man PipeJames vs The Volcano
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond/James May
Series: Retirement Trouble [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953919
Comments: 13
Kudos: 7





	1. Richard vs The Fairy Lights

“Do we really need to go in this old van, James?” asked Richard, clambering in then watching as Jeremy slid onto the second passenger seat after him.

“You don’t want to end up walking home do you?” asked James. “Or sitting on Jezza’s knee.”

Richard shuddered. “Not really.”

“Well then we need to take a vehicle that has space for both you and a tree, surely?”

Richard grinned. “We could make Jezza walk back!”

“And put up with all the whinging?” laughed James.

Jeremy glared at them.

“I’ll get going then, shall I?” said James, wryly.

“Yes, you may depart,” responded Jeremy.

“Have at it,” agreed Richard, doing up his seatbelt as the van roared into life.

The Christmas tree place was outside several random factory shops and a little café, surrounded by a low fence. It offered rows and rows of trees, with each row boasting taller and taller trees until right at the back there were trees that wouldn’t look out of place in shopping centres. Jeremy, naturally, headed directly for the biggest trees, Richard practically skipping after him.

James sighed and ignored them, taking a tour of some of the more moderate trees of roughly the same height as James himself. The ones that would fit in the house – and the van. He could catch up with the morons later.

“Are we going to get one of these Jez?” asked Richard, bouncing up to his friend enthusiastically. “They look great!”

“Big is best,” nodded Jeremy seriously, holding his hand up far above Richard’s head.

Richard, fully aware of what Jeremy was saying, placed his hands firmly on his hips and glared meaningfully.

“This would be a very small tree,” insisted Jeremy, aware that he was treading on very thin ice as he folded himself up to get his head down to Richard’s level.

“Pillock,” grumbled Richard, thumping him on the arm.

“These might not fit through the door though,” admitted Jeremy.

Richard sighed, but nodded. “Yeah true, remember those sports cars you couldn’t get into,” he agreed. “Biggest isn’t always best.” He reached his hand out, placing it much lower than Jeremy’s had been before.

It was Jeremy’s turn to look annoyed. Initially he placed his hands on his hips exactly as Richard had moments earlier, then a huge grin crossed his face, and he suddenly reached out and grabbed Richard, tucking him under his arm and running off to find James.

“Jez! You oaf! Put me down!” protested Richard, giggling loudly.

“Can’t take you two anywhere,” commented James, eyeing them dubiously. “I found a good tree while you were mucking about though,” he pointed out. “Here.” He wandered further down the row he was on, gesturing to a very dense, round tree of around 6ft.

Jeremy released Richard, dropping him to the ground gently, and the boy immediately ran over to the tree, stroking the branches in a sort of experimentation.

“Nice,” he agreed. “I like it. Jez?”

“Definitely,” nodded Jeremy. “A good compromise.” He winked at Richard, holding his hand to James’s height, making Richard giggle again.

“Excellent, let’s get it wrapped up then,” smiled James, heading off to find a shop assistant.

It didn’t take long, the shop was busy but well-staffed, and a few minutes later the tree had been fed through the netting machine and Richard was excitedly holding it, ready to head home with it.

“I can carry it to the van,” he announced, slowly lifting it off the ground and staggering a few steps towards the exit.

“Are you sure?” asked James, trying not to laugh aloud.

As Richard staggered another few steps, Jeremy – barely containing his mirth – nudged James, gesturing to him. Abruptly, as Richard continued shuffling towards the exit, James and Jeremy moved to either side of him, and grabbed both him and the tree, lifting them between them.

“Jez!” protested Richard. “I can do it!” But he was grinning now, wrapping his arms round the tree and hanging on as the others carried it.

“But isn’t this better?” responded Jeremy, laughing out loud now.

“It’s certainly faster,” commented James, grinning at Jeremy. “I thought we were going to be there all day!”

“Ouch,” chuckled Jeremy. “And that from Captain Slow!”

………………………………………………

Richard didn’t try to get the tree out of the van when he got home, instead he leapt out of the van and into the house as soon as he could persuade Jeremy to move out of his way, heading for the loft to get the decorations down. He used the pole, hidden in the corner, to bring the ladder down, struggling a bit to reach but managing to set it up nonetheless. He put the pole to one side and began to climb up, switching the lights on as he went and crawling into the loft space at the top of the ladder.

The loft was, unexpectedly, pretty organised, Richard figured probably James had been in charge of sorting it out. The boxes were piled high and carefully labelled, easily distinguishable. He scanned James’s neat writing for his target, finding the relevant boxes logically close to the loft hatch, and throwing open the lids to inspect their contents. He found lights, tinsel, a huge selection of baubles, and a couple of small rope light pictures that could be hung on the wall, depicting Father Christmas with his sleigh, and a reindeer.

Stopping himself before he emptied all the boxes in the loft and made James annoyed – decorating the tree didn’t seem like a time to be annoying James – Richard closed the lids and shuffled them towards the loft hatch, only then realising that he needed a way of carrying them down the ladder without dropping them or falling off. He frowned. Ordinarily, that sort of thing was plenty tricky enough, but as little as he was at the moment, he wasn’t confident he could do it. Certainly under normal circumstances he would’ve been able to carry a tree.

He went back to the boxes, experimentally lifting them and deciding that he could manage fine as long as he took them one at a time. He climbed onto the ladder, standing a few rungs down as he shuffled the first box into his hands and tried to take another step down the ladder whilst holding it.

Something went wrong. Even trying to work out what happened afterwards Richard wasn’t at all clear what went wrong, but somehow the box slipped. The heavier items rained to the floor beneath him with a thunderous series of bangs, then the lighter fairy lights fell directly over him, immediately managing to ravel themselves around him in such a way that he was quickly tangled within them. By the time the box itself felt to the ground, with a final, resounding thud, Richard was unable to remove either of his hands from the ladder, and wriggling in an effort to free himself only seemed to be making things worse.

He was stuck.

His heart sank. Obviously, there weren’t many courses of action left to him, but really it was no choice at all. He could wait for them to find him, or he could shout for help. He supposed if he fell asleep he might be spared the actual humiliation, but honestly that sounded even worse – not to mention extremely unlikely since it was still early.

He sighed. “Help!”

There wasn’t an answer initially, the others were probably busy sorting the tree out. “Help!!”

Then a set of footsteps climbed the stairs, two at a time by the sound of it, and Jeremy’s face swung into view.

He took in the scene silently for a moment, then asked. “Hamster, are you auditioning to be the fairy?” Before breaking into hysterical laughter, doubled over and wheezing as he did so.

“James!” shouted Jeremy, between giggles. “You have to see this!”

“Jez?” complained Richard. “Get me down!”

“In a minute,” laughed Jeremy. “James needs a good laugh.” He paused. “Bring a camera!”

Richard sighed. “I hate you,” he grumbled. But he had to admit, it was kind of funny. At least, it would be if the tinsel hadn’t fallen on his head and wasn’t starting to really make his nose itch.

“Jez!” he pleaded again.

“Oh wow,” gasped James, as he arrived. “It’s a stuffed turkey!”

“James?” Richard went for his best begging face, pleading James with his eyes to set him free.

“It’s the most still he’s been in years,” added Jeremy, beaming all over his face, but finally reaching over to start working on setting Richard’s hands free.

“Hold on a minute,” said James, reaching into his pocket for his phone and snapping a photo of the two of them, ladder, fairy lights at and all. “OK, now I can help,” he added, reaching for the annoying tinsel just as Richard sneezed.

“Urgh! Hamster!” he exclaimed.

“Sorry, that tinsel was very tickly,” laughed Richard. “You should’ve freed me sooner!”

“That wasn’t possible,” said James. “Laughing at your misfortune first is essential to our well-being.”

Jeremy snorted. “How are you tangled up so well in these lights, Hamster? How did you even manage this?”

Richard shrugged awkwardly. “I think the box was a bit big,” he mumbled.

“Ah, well, that’s never happened before,” chuckled James. But Richard forgave him, because he also successfully freed one of his hands.

“James,” said Jeremy. “I think I might need a hand with this bit!” He indicated one of Richard’s legs, which seemed to be welded to the ladder.

James grinned, “You take the weight off, I’ll untangle. I think we’ll end up with more working lights that way.”

Jeremy raised his eyebrows, but didn’t comment, reaching up the ladder to lift Richard off his leg so that James could free him. “Only you, Hamster,” he tutted.

It took the two men nearly 15 minutes to untangle Richard, at which point his hands had gone numb from hanging on to the ladder without moving. Jeremy lifted him down gently, then stood at the bottom of the ladder as James passed the boxes down.

“Look how we do this between us?” commented James.

“I know,” sighed Richard. “I just wanted to surprise you.” He was rubbing his hands together to try to wake them up, but he looked thoroughly miserable, all his enthusiasm for the tree and its decorations gone.

Jeremy placed the last box on the table, then put his arm round Richard. “You did surprise us,” he pointed out.

“I was quite surprised,” agreed James, using the pole to close the loft hatch again, then bending down to talk to Richard. “I thought you were going to stop biting off more than you could chew? Wasn’t that what the minions watch was going to remind you?”

Richard looked at his arm, the watch still ticking away. “Yeah,” he agreed. “It was only decorations though, they’re not heavy.”

“They’re as awkward as Clarkson,” laughed James. “They don’t need to be heavy! You don’t want to spend Christmas in hospital do you?”

Richard winced. “No!”

“Come on then,” James patted Richard’s shoulder, then went to grab two of the boxes, leaving the others for Jeremy. “The tree’s waiting for us.”

The tree looked magnificent, even without any decorations. It took up just the right amount of space in the corner of the living room, and it stood straight and bushy, but – for the moment – entirely devoid of any decorations. Just waiting for them.

“You did a good job!” exclaimed Richard, appreciatively.

“Don’t look so surprised,” laughed Jeremy. “I let James do it, he used a set square.”

Richard snorted.

“He’s been dying to use that set square for months.”

“Lights?” asked Richard.

James frowned. “Maybe I could do the lights, then you can be in charge of tinsel?”

Richard raised his eyebrows, but grinned. “Yes, much less hazardous. Still tickles though.”

“If you’re going to sneeze, point in his direction,” suggested Jeremy, physically turning Richard away from him before reaching for some tinsel himself to decorate the higher reaches of the tree, for the moment resisting teasing Richard about it.

“Ha ha, very funny,” said James, flicking the switch and finally turning the lights on.

“Ooooo,” gasped Richard and Jeremy together.

“They look great!” said Richard.

“Despite the misadventure,” added Jeremy.

“Yes, alright,” agreed Richard. “Can we decorate now? Finish this off before Christmas?”

“Here you go, Jez,” offered James. “You can put all the caravan baubles on.”

“Who did this!” exclaimed Jeremy. “How is there a collection of caravan baubles in here?”

“The cars all drove off,” claimed James as behind him Richard sighed and started enthusiastically hurling tinsel onto the tree.

Once the tree was finally done, baubles, lights and tinsel covering pretty much every inch of the tree, James turned to Richard. “I’ve got a new tree topper,” he said. “I think you should put it on though.”

Richard looked back at him, confused. “James, I can’t reach.”

James rolled his eyes. “I can help!” He lifted Richard into the air, handing him the tree topper once he was up and leaning forwards so that Richard could stretch to the top of the tree.

Richard stared at the ornament. “It’s a model V8!” He laughed. “Does it work?”

“Not exactly, I didn’t really want to gas us,” grinned James. “But I saw it and I thought we had to have it – for our first tree together.”

“What does it do?” asked Jeremy, leaning in to inspect the ornament in Richard’s hands.

Richard flipped the switch and immediately, eight LEDs lit up, each flashing in turn. He laughed. “That’s great! Take a look, Jez!”

Jeremy grinned, inspecting it more closely for a moment, then passing it back to Richard. “You going to finish the tree off then, Hamster?”

Richard nodded, stretching up to the top of the tree and carefully placing the tiny, flashing V8 at the top of the tree. Mission accomplished, he grabbed James shoulders and slowly slid down the front of his body to the ground. “Done,” he announced.

“Stand next to it,” instructed James, waving at both the others. “We need a success picture, to go with the other one.”

“Ambitious but not rubbish,” nodded Jeremy, stepping towards the tree and pulling Richard with him. “Set the timer, then we can all be in it,” he suggested, giving James a minute to set it up, then pulling him into the picture with them.

“I’m not sure decorating a tree qualifies as ambitious,” commented James.

“It does!” insisted Richard. “It’s us! Getting up in the morning is ambitious.”

…………………………………………………………

Later, after Richard had gone to bed and was lying in his tent bed snoring away, James and Jeremy sat in the dark, drinking beer and watching the lights on the tree. It was calm and contemplative, not something that happened so much in their house, both men letting their minds wander as they sat there.

“We should buy actual Christmas presents this time,” said James, certainly, suggesting that he’d been considering it for some time. “Not really for us, but for Hamster. I think he needs to see a real kid Christmas.”

Jeremy looked up, surprised for a moment. “Which version are you thinking we need to buy presents for? The sixty year old or the twelve year old?”

“Both,” shrugged James. “You usually just buy things people like anyway,” he pointed out. “Age isn’t so important to that, we know what he likes.”

Jeremy nodded slowly. “OK, we can do that. It might be fun anyway, we can have Christmas for real. Some nice food, a few presents, a movie on TV. And he is going to miss out on the Christmas eve drinking. I’m not dressing up as Santa though.”

“It’s OK, Jez, I think he knows about Santa,” smiled James.


	2. Jez vs The Old Man Pipe

Jeremy strode across the studio to join the others, excited about the next section. He’d always loved the rubbish car related Christmas gifts sections they’d done anyway, but this year they’d really found some great stuff – and they got to add a new little twist with Richard kid sized. More kid sized. He shook his head, that wasn’t the point.

“So,” he addressed the audience. “This year’s crop of terrible car related Christmas gifts are upon us, and I’d like to start with Jaguar’s electric car for children.” He pulled it out from behind his car and looked pointedly at Richard.

“You’re wanting me to test drive it?” asked Richard.

“I am,” nodded Jeremy. “It’s OK, the audience have all signed a waiver, and there’s an ambulance ready outside just in case.”

Richard rolled his eyes, but climbed into the car obediently. “Ooooo, nice,” he said. “It’s got a little pretend ignition key instead of an on button or switch. Very authentic. Annnddd,” he pressed on the accelerator pedal and slowly the little car moved off, “OK, it’s not the fastest thing I’ve driven,” he admitted. “It handles quite nicely,” he swerved violently several times, “but it’s threatening to throw me out in the process. Errr. It’s a bit short of boot space and that sort of thing, but you know, if it’s the only car you’re ever allowed to drive, I think you’d be pretty pleased with it.”

“Are you dropping me hints?” asked Jeremy.

“Well you started it!” protested Richard, driving away from Jeremy and towards the audience. “At least you can let me have a good go!”

“While he’s having fun round the studio,” put in James. “I have Ferrari’s latest contribution to the Christmas gift market.” He reached into the box beside his chair, grunting as he lifted the offending objects out. “Ferrari bowling balls!”

Jeremy peered at him. “Seriously? What part of a Ferrari makes you think of bowling balls?”

“Gear stick?” suggested James. “No, they tend to be flappy paddle. I don’t know.”

“It was a rhetorical question,” said Jeremy, pausing as there was a crash at the back of the studio. “Has Hamster crashed?”

“He’s fine,” called back an audience member.

“We’re just extracting him from the Cool Wall,” added someone else from the back of the room.

“He’s?!” Jeremy glared in Richard’s direction, though clearly Richard wouldn’t be able to see him. “Just send him back when he’s available. And don’t let him move any cards while he can reach!” He turned back to James. “Right, moving on from Ferrari’s truly bizarre taste in things to buy for the people who have everything, we have the inflatable car lilo from Volkswagen.”

“It’s a beetle,” said James, flatly.

“Well, it’s not a beetle,” protested Jeremy. “It’s a lilo. One of those things you let kids float around on in swimming pools. Or in the sea if you really don’t like them.”

“You’re thinking of Hamster again then?”

“I might be now!” agreed Jeremy.

“Me what?” asked Richard, reappearing at James’s side looking distinctly dishevelled.

“Inflatable car,” explained James, gesturing to Jeremy as the larger man attempted to blow it up.

“Talk amongst yourselves,” gasped Jeremy between puffs.

“It’s a beetle,” said Richard.

“I’ve been over that, he says it’s a lilo.”

“But it looks like a beetle,” insisted Richard.

“I don’t suppose it drives like a beetle,” pointed out James. “And it would keep you out of the water, which I would think would appeal to you.”

“That’s true,” agreed Richard. “I am from Birmingham, swimming’s not really my thing.”

Jeremy placed the inflatable beetle against the floor with a slap and a sigh of relief. “There, in that case, why don’t you sit in that and tell us whether it would be a fun way to stay out of the water.”

“OK,” shrugged Richard. “It’s not very Christmassy though, is it?”

“It’s probably more popular in Australia,” agreed James. “Though I don’t think they have VW.”

“It’s for people who go on winter holidays maybe,” suggested Jeremy. “Can you just sit in it. On it. Sit!”

Richard sat, obediently, squirming round and making the plastic squeak, and Jeremy wince. “It’s very comfy,” he declared. “Slower than the Jaguar on the floor of the studio though.”

“I think you’d find it’d be faster in water though,” pointed out James.

“Nicer seats than the beetle,” observed Richard, lying back and discovering that the boot made quite a good headrest.

“Oooh, thinking of seats,” said James. “I’ve got something else for you to try.” He reached behind his chair and lifted, revealing a child’s car seat with Porsche branding all over it and placing it in Richard’s, still unoccupied, chair.

“It’s going to have to go some to beat this, you know,” observed Richard, scrambling out of the inflatable beetle and sliding past Jeremy back to his seat before jumping up to sit in the car seat and wriggling in it.

“It’s, umm…”

“How does it feel, Hamster?” asked Jeremy. “Is it a Porsche like experience?”

“You know what,” replied Richard. “It’s a lot like sitting in a car seat from Halfords.”

“Other car seat sellers are available,” put in James.

“So completely irrelevant and rubbish?” said Jeremy.

“Pretty much,” shrugged Richard. “Now if it had speakers that made the engine noise or something, then I might consider it.”

“There you have it, tips for Porsche,” grinned Jeremy. “What’s next?”

“BMW have brought out a bike,” announced James, standing up and waiting for a member of staff to deliver the bike to the stage. “Look, it’s got the badge, and big chunky tyres, and then a chain and gears and all the stuff that bikes normally have.”

“Is it light?” asked Richard.

James tested it. “Not particularly.”

“Is it a Z or an M series?” asked Jeremy.

“B?” suggested James.

“I think you should test it,” put in Richard. “Maybe it’s all in the handling.”

James rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.” But climbed onto the bike nonetheless.

“Right, that’s him off, let’s see what he destroys,” added Jeremy, leaning into the bin beside his chair and pulling something out. “So, moving on, we have Nissan themed Snakes and Ladders.”

“Really?” giggled Richard, reaching for it to take a look. “So the better cars represent ladders and the terrible ones are snakes?”

“I’m not sure!” admitted Jeremy. “That would make sense.”

Richard peered at the box. “Ah, no, it’s a regular board with a Nissan logo, and the counters are all Nissan cars.”

“I’m not having the Sunny,” put in Jeremy quickly.

Richard laughed, putting the box safely on the table, unopened. “Well, alternatively, I’ve seen an interesting take on the Christmas gift branding.” He climbed off the car seat and reached into James’s box. “Bentley have brought out a mobile phone.” He pulled it from its box and started tapping on the screen, the Bentley logo clearly visible on the back of the phone.

“Does it have a bespoke wooden case?” asked Jeremy.

“I think so, though that will probably be thousands of pounds,” added Richard.

“Is it enormous?” asked James, shouting from the bike somewhere in the back of the studio.

“It’s sizeable,” said Richard. “Bit big for me, certainly.” He handed it to Jeremy.

“Perfect,” laughed Jeremy.

“It’s a bespoke phone too,” put in Richard, holding the manual. “Bentley will set it up exactly as you want it.”

“Ridiculous,” said James, stopping expertly on the bike and leaning it against one of the studio’s pillars before retaking his seat. “Why would you want a phone that’s looked after by people who are car experts?!”

“Well if you don’t fancy that, instead,” responded Jeremy, “you could have a car that’s designed by tree ornament experts.” He held up a selection of baubles shaped like cars. “We could probably use these to get rid of the caravans on our tree,” he suggested.

“Nah,” replied Richard. “I’m getting quite attached to those caravans, they haven’t held me up on the road once.”

“True,” laughed Jeremy. “Take a look at these anyway, we’ve got a fantastic and not entirely accurate selection. Lamborghini, Bugatti, Aston… then Range Rover, Vauxhall and Ford.”

“Ecclectic mix!” chuckled Richard.

“To suit every taste,” agreed James. “Provided they’re not too picky about accuracy,” he added, pointing to various defects on the ornaments that would’ve made any of the cars completely unusable.

“Anyhow,” interrupted Richard. “Before we get too bogged down in the particulars of the Bugatti’s exhaust system, and turn into actual car bores, I’ve got one last thing that I think Jeremy’s going to enjoy.” He stood up again and reached past James, handing a small object to Jeremy.

“What is it?” asked Jeremy, holding it in the palm of his hand in puzzlement.

“It is,” began Richard, dramatically, “an authentic old man pipe, disguised as an exhaust pipe. He squeezed one end of it, and opened it up. You can have some nostalgia with your old man self.”

Jeremy beamed at him. “It works?”

“Well I didn’t try it! But it’s supposed to.”

James passed over some tobacco, most probably the not too bad for you sort, but Jeremy didn’t worry about it too much, not right now. He loaded the pipe and lit it up, puffing happily.

“Finally, a good car gift!” he declared. “It works!”

“And you can be an old man?” asked Richard.

“I am an old man,” Jeremy puffed again, merrily. “Sort of,” he added, as Richard looked at him dubiously. “In the same way that you’re sixty – as you keep telling people.”

“So I could have an old man pipe too?”

“No,” replied Jeremy, very firmly. “Nothing to do with your mental age – which is probably about 5 anyway - it’ll stunt your growth.”

James, still sat beside Richard, spluttered. “Can’t have that! Just let him enjoy his pipe, Hamster.”

“And on that bombshell…” began Jeremy.


	3. James vs The Volcano

James opened his eyes, registering the light coming through the curtains and the faint noises coming from downstairs. Nothing too boisterous or destructive, so it was probably just Richard rather than both of them, no way Jez would have got up first. He rolled over, closing his eyes again, before registering that today was Christmas day!

He opened his eyes properly, squinting at his clock, and realising that it was after 10am. He should get moving. Whilst as adults all three of them would have been perfectly happy to spend the majority of Christmas day in bed, having decided that Richard was a child for the purposes of buying presents, it seemed cruel to make him wait until mid-afternoon.

Especially by himself. James groaned and threw back the covers, grateful that Richard still possessed the wherewithal to operate the heating, and shuffled towards the bathroom, deliberately slamming the door in the hope that it would disturb Clarkson.

By the time he made it downstairs he was reasonably confident he could hear Jeremy stirring, so he resisted sending the, already bouncing, Richard up to wake him, and instead decided to set about tea and breakfast.

“Morning Hamster,” he greeted the boy, who was currently lying on the sofa with his feet fidgeting rapidly, idly playing on his phone.

“James!” Richard shot to his feet and launched himself at James, almost knocking him over. “It’s Christmas! How could you stay in bed so long?”

James raised an eyebrow lazily. “It’s only 10.30! I thought I’d done quite well!”

“Yeah, but James! You and Jez got me actual presents!” exclaimed Richard.

James grinned, loving the childish excitement. “Yeah, we did, though you still can’t open them without Jez, so why not have some breakfast?”

“I already had cornflakes,” grinned Richard.

“Ahh, oh yes,” nodded James, noting several large deposits of milk across the counter, grateful the boy hadn’t gone for toast. “What time did you get up?”

Richard shrugged. “I’m not sure, it feels like ages ago.”

“Come on then, let me grab some tea and toast, then hopefully Jez will make an appearance. If not, you can go wake him up.”

Richard nodded, staying in the kitchen with James, so jumpy that he was making the man nervous, hopping on and off the counter and skipping round the room, just a bundle of energy.

“Maybe you need to go for a run in the garden or something?” suggested James, gently. “Have you been eating chocolate all morning?”

The boy shook his head. “I haven’t, honestly, I’m just a bit excited, it’s been ages since Christmas felt exciting like this!”

“Did you say you were excited about Christmas, Hamster?” came a voice from the doorway – Jeremy, of course.

“Jez!” Richard bounded over to him like an over-excited puppy, the tall man swinging him up into his arms.

“Tea, Jez? Coffee?” put in James.

“Coffee,” smiled Jeremy, swinging Richard around before dropping him back to the ground. “Then I might be awake enough to handle this one.”

“Hey!” protested Richard, thumping Jeremy’s thigh, but laughing along with him.

“We won’t be long, Rich,” said James, gently. “Why don’t you go and take a look at your presents..” He grabbed Richard’s arm as the boy’s legs sprang into action, practically catching him mid-air. “… but no touching, no accidentally opening, just looking!”

“I’ll be good,” grinned Richard, the expression suggesting anything but.

“Go on,” laughed James, shooing him out to give Jeremy a few minutes to come round and rolling his eyes as the kid shot out of the kitchen at speed.

Jeremy let out a deep breath. “I don’t remember ever being that excited,” he declared.

“You old man,” laughed James. “Better get that coffee down you promptly then.”

For Jeremy, who wasn’t known for his speed first thing, he was pretty quick. Less than 10 minutes later, the three of them were gathered round their tree and small pile of gifts, with Richard practically vibrating with excitement and bouncing between his two friends and the tree, not sure where to go.

“I think it’s time,” said James. “What would you like to go for first?”

Richard shrugged. “I don’t know. Can you choose?” As though all his brain power had been consumed with excitement and there was nothing left for anything else.

“There,” said Jeremy, pointing to a fairly ordinary looking box almost completely hidden under the tree.

Richard dove at it, freeing it from beneath the tree and releasing an avalanche of pine needles in the process. “This one?”

Jeremy nodded, grinning at him and beckoning him over to sit between them. The boy obeyed, bouncing as he sat on the seat and immediately started ripping into the paper. Moments later, there was a pile of wrapping paper on the ground and Richard held a plain brown box, he flung the lid open to reveal a cycle helmet.

“It’s a bike helmet!” exclaimed Richard, his voice not really revealing much about how he felt about that. “Are you trying to tell me something?”

“Only that your old one doesn’t fit,” said James.

“And Batman is way cooler than a plain one,” added Jeremy.

Richard’s brain clearly came down on the side of good present and he grinned.

“I suggest you choose this time,” said James. “Or Jezza will prolong the pain.”

Jeremy grinned unrepentantly at them, clearly admitting that he’d knowingly gone for the most uninteresting present.

“OK,” said Richard, shaking himself a bit as he got up off the sofa again. “Can I open the big one?”

“Certainly,” replied James.

This time no amount of beckoning would summon Richard back to the sofa. He tore into the paper, paying no mind to the mess he was leaving around him.

“It’s a bike?” He sounded puzzled, justifiably, on finding a bike wheel, as the parcel clearly wasn’t big enough to be a bike for him. “Oh… it’s a unicycle!” Richard laughed. “You’re back to trying to kill me then?!”

“We thought it might be fun,” laughed Jeremy.

“To watch or to do?” asked Richard, grinning anyway.

“Depends who you are,” said James. “I’m definitely not trying it.”

“Jez?” asked Richard. “Can you hold me up? I want to give it a go.”

James reached for his camera, half tempted to try to video the whole thing, but instead taking a few shots of Richard attempting to balance on the thing, then coming over to help out, holding Richard’s left hand as Jeremy held his right, making it easier for him to move forwards. Richard’s efforts swung the wheel of the unicycle precariously and several times he would definitely have ended up on the ground had Jeremy or James not caught him, but he was genuinely enjoying it. Richard didn’t care about little things like falling off, he just dived right in and went for it, and he kept going for it for almost an hour, until finally he decided his arms were getting tired from trying to keep his balance and he gave up for a while.

“It’s probably best in the garden,” suggested James. “We can rig up a rope for you to hang onto when you’re setting off, and it’ll make for a softer landing.”

“Sounds good,” grinned Richard, still excited, but no longer bouncing the same way, an energetic present had clearly been a good idea.

“Next present?” suggested Jeremy, looking slightly impatient.

Richard nodded, eagerly heading for the tree again and rapidly unwrapping the box he’d grabbed to reveal a complex marble run set.

“You can race them,” said James. “I thought it might be fun.”

“You think Jez’ll find ways to cheat?”

“Oy!” objected Jeremy. “I do not cheat.”

“Not always,” shrugged Richard, sticking his tongue out.

James laughed. “Save that for later? Open the next?” he suggested.

“This?” asked Jeremy, reaching for a smaller, squashy parcel and handing it to Richard.

Behind Richard, James nodded, though he was a bit apprehensive, and Jeremy handed the gift over.

“Thanks, Jez,” said Richard. “And James.” He looked back at James, then tore open the paper, revealing a small, brown teddy bear. He looked up at Jeremy. “A bear?” he asked.

Jeremy smiled. “If you’re going to relive a bit of your childhood, you need a bear, everyone knows that! And your Mum couldn’t find any of your original ones.”

Blushing, Richard smiled. “A bit odd, but thanks.” He gave the bear an experimental squeeze. “I’ll call him Oliver,” he added.

James coughed, covering something of a laugh. “This is from me,” he said, handing Richard a more slender box. “I thought we might do it together.”

Richard looked up at him, grinning enthusiastically still and giving it a quick shake before ripping the paper off. “Lego, James?”

James grinned back shyly. “Lego is an excellent toy, and this is a particularly accurate model of a Pagani Zonda.” He shrugged. “It’s good when you have the urge to build something and fixing a car or bike isn’t practical.”

“It’s great,” smiled Richard, “thanks.” He stepped forward and gave James a quick hug, going a long way to reassuring James about something that had been oddly nerve-wracking. Buying gifts people were supposed to like was a lot more difficult than buying things purely for the laugh.

Jeremy cleared his throat. “There’s one more, from me,” he announced.

“Should I be afraid? Do we need a fire extinguisher?” began Richard, flinching as Jeremy actually reddened and James laughed. “Really?”

“Possibly,” admitted Jeremy, handing him the final box.

“I’m a little bit afraid,” admitted Richard, looking up at Jeremy.

Jeremy leaned forward and whispered something in Richard’s ear that James couldn’t hear, setting him off giggling as he opened the parcel and sending James’s stomach churning with visions of massive indoor explosions and injuries.

“It’s a volcano kit!” laughed Richard.

“Explosions,” said Jeremy, grinning now. “James can find a fire extinguisher before we start. Lava! Fire! All good things.”

“At a distance, outdoors,” grumbled James, holding his hand out to get a closer look at the offending object. Richard handed it over easily, back to bouncing around the room.

“So, what’s next Hamster?” asked Jeremy, leaving James to perform his safety checks.

“Can you help me with the unicycle while James is checking that?” asked Richard.

“For a million pounds,” agreed Jeremy.

“Of course,” agreed Richard, grabbing the unicycle and clinging to Jeremy with one hand while he tried to get on it.

Richard was still wobbling violently and clutching Jeremy when the doorbell rang. James carefully deposited the volcano well out of Richard’s reach and headed to the door, opening it to reveal Mrs Hammond, carrying a large tray with a single small present balanced precariously on top of it.

“Would you like me to grab something, Mrs Hammond?” asked James, looking down at the woman with some alarm.

“Just the present,” she smiled. “Pass that on to Richard, but possibly only when he’s got both feet on the ground.” She laughed. “I realise that doesn’t happen all that often.”

James smiled back at her, amused.

“And James,” she added. “It’s Eileen.”

“Mum!” yelled Richard, aiming the unicycle at her, then immediately falling off. Jeremy, used to the falling off at this point, managed to grab him round the waist before he hit the floor, leaving him momentarily suspended in mid-air, his limbs dangling.

“Hamster,” warned Jeremy, placing him on the ground.

Richard gained his feet quickly, rushing towards his Mum and hugging her. “Still seems weird you being bigger than me,” he mumbled to her.

“Well, it’d been a while,” she laughed. “Here, I brought you a Christmas present, Richard. Happy Christmas!”

Richard stepped back to look at her, slightly bemused.

“James has it,” she explained even as James held it out to him.

“For you two,” she addressed the two young men. “I thought about getting you gifts, after all, you’re pretty much family now, but then I decided that you two never really want anything. So I did something better.”

“You didn’t need to go to any trouble,” said James.

“Ahhh,” she grinned at him. “Don’t say that to me until you know what I brought.”

“What?” asked Jeremy.

“Christmas dinner!” she declared, walking over to the table and revealing the contents of her tray.

Jeremy gasped, placing his hands on the table and leaning towards the food, sniffing for the smell of the turkey. “There’s roasties and everything,” he exclaimed.

“That’s fantastic!” added James. “Thank you! We hadn’t even got around to thinking about food.”

The old lady laughed. “That sort of planning was never your forte! Tuck in, there’s enough for all of you. I’ve already eaten.”

She didn’t stay long, chatting to Richard for a little while about his Christmas, the drawing set she’d got him – to hone his previous skills, and his other brothers – as she liked to put it, not to mention Richard’s Christmas so far. As her conversation slowed, she got back to her feet.

“Well, it’s been lovely to see you,” she told them, including all of them in her statement. “But I’ve got grandchildren to see.” And, as suddenly as she arrived, she was gone.

James stood up to clear away plates and leftovers, but Richard nudged him back down. “I’ll clear up,” he said, grinning as widely as ever and grabbing several plates.

“Careful with those,” warned James. “We need to still have enough crockery to eat again tomorrow.”

“Not until then though,” laughed Richard, carrying his slightly wobbly load into the kitchen.

“I’m afraid to look,” said James, catching Jeremy’s eye.

Jeremy laughed at him. “You go make the place up to your standards for volcano making, I’ll make sure he doesn’t destroy the kitchen.” The taller man got up, patting James on the shoulder, and headed after Richard, more washing up in his hands.

……………………………………………

James sat back on the sofa, satisfied that he had rendered the lounge as safe as possible for the others’ experiments. In the time he’d had, he’d managed to find two fire suits they’d used in an older episode of Top Gear, and acquired a metal sheet to rest the volcano on. He’d also collected two pairs of oven gloves and three fire extinguishers. It really ought to be good enough, the packaging said it was suitable for 7 year olds, though the manufacturers probably hadn’t ever met Jeremy or Richard.

“Can we set it going now, James?” asked Richard, his eyebrows raised as he saw what James had done in the lounge.

“If you put the fire suits on,” nodded James.

“It’s too big, James,” groaned Richard, sliding his feet into it and losing them entirely.

James bent down, rolling the bottom of the trousers up enough that Richard could walk around without tripping over them, then helping him with the rest of the suit. He looked ridiculous, but at least he wasn’t flammable.

Jeremy co-operated too, much more than James had thought he might, a belly full of turkey really did mellow people.

“Can we set it off now?” asked Richard again.

Jeremy looked at James, querying.

“Yes,” smiled James, settling down for what was sure to be an interesting show.

Richard opened the kit, spreading the components out on the table and placing the tiny, plastic volcano on the metal sheet James had provided. He began ripping open plastic packets and tipping the contents enthusiastically into the volcano, Jeremy joining him as he set about the other ingredients.

“Ready?” asked Jeremy. “This is the big one.”

Richard practically bounced on his feet. James gripped tighter to the edge of the sofa and tried not to worry about it. Jeremy tipped the entire contents of the packet into the volcano and a loud fizzing noise emanated from it, quickly shooting up about 2ft of white, bubbling liquid and then dying down again.

“Woah,” Richard, if possible, beamed even wider.

“We need more of that,” grinned Jeremy.

James slowly relaxed his grip on the edge of the sofa, well aware that he was due for some ribbing about his over the top preparations imminently. It didn’t matter, they were both uninjured and the house wasn’t on fire. It’d been a good day. James smiled, finally relaxing. Tomorrow they’d probably have chance to play with the Lego.


End file.
